Security Council Threatens To Boycott Chinese Take-Out

After weeks of useless and predictable debate about the violence in Tibet, the UN Security Council may be on the verge of issuing a formal "Statement of Tsk Tsk." Heavy pressure brought by the Western powers in the form of hours of faux debating, intense Blackberry checking, and the urgent scheduling of escort services resulted in the Russians agreeing to a U.N. statement on the Chinese handling of the Tibet situation that would include a threat to refrain from ordering Chinese take-out for any official U.N. work session until the crisis is resolved.

The measure was diluted, however, by Russian requirements that the boycott not apply to orders of General Tsao's chicken and that it be lifted when the protesters' death toll reached acceptable levels.